2007 Chevrolet Express 3500 Review

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I greeted my temporary assignment to Nellis Air Force Base, Nevada with joyful anticipation. After numerous hours in an E-3 looking for simulated bogeys over the Mojave Desert, the proximity to Sin City was a welcome reprieve. Stepping down from my jet, Technical Sgt. Peters handed me a set of keys and pointed to the terminal's parking lot. Examining the plate number on the tag, and seeing a Chevy emblem on the key, I expected a minivan. Instead, a ginormous Express 3500 15-Passenger van assaulted my vision. For this I defend my country?

A van can't look beautiful- any more than a Victoria's Secret model can negotiate an Israeli - Palestinian ceasefire. At best, a van can look conservatively handsome. At worst, it looks like this. The Express' cheap grey plastic grill, cheap black headlight surrounds, and flanking black plastic taillights could be described as a rolling trailer park refrigerator. Did you notice the side strakes? Why would you?

All Express vans have dents in the passenger rear side doors. We finally solved the riddle when we realized that GM forgot to put a detent stop on the door, letting it swing open fully into the front passenger door, leaving a series of scars on both.

When I opened said doors, I reeled back in terror. The van's interior is an unattractive, poorly-built ergonomic disaster zone. My cohort, Captain Alfred, displayed his usual flair for automotive insight. "What a piece of crap." That's an affirmative sir!

The Express "boasts" acres of cheap beige plastic, spread throughout the cabin like polymer kudzu. I'm not saying the van's panel gaps are large, but I wouldn't let Paris Hilton ride in it lest her chihuahua fall into one of the gaps and disappear forever (perish the thought). The Express' plastic flash seams ripped my flight suit as I hoisted myself into the driver's seat- an extremely difficult not to say pointless maneuver, as there are NO grab handles ANYWHERE in the van. In fact, I nearly fell right back out (thigh bolstering need not apply. And doesn't.)
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